Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in tuesdayschild19's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
1:59 pm	Only love can break my heart Well last night was it. We did it. And after wards, I've never regretted something so much. It was amazing at the time and I love his endings, but after, as in right after, it was like nothing happened. I feel more used then I have ever felt in my whole life. I guess it is punishment for everything I have done in the past to my past. Today it is as though nothing happened, and I'm giving away my time to make his life easier, I'm staying quiet, and he pretends I'm not there at all. Is what I am doing right for me? But when I look at his face and feel his touch I lose everything. Isn't that love? I know it's there, I can feel myself giving love all the time, but is that what he wants? This is what I want, I want him, I want to be together un-flawed and strong. I want something different than anything else I've ever had, and I know and you know that it is right there. I want to meet his family, his pets, his boat. I want to feel how he feels, I want to be in his shoes, like we share the same pair. I want him to be so happy to see me, and myself as well. I want him to love me unconditionally, just like the way I know I would. I acting too fast, but how do you stop loving someone when you love them so much, and they don't think about it in the same way? Current Mood: Scared Current Music: Morning Song-Jewel (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
3:22 pm	Rebirth Hello again, I haven't written here for awhile, but I know I'm getting depressed when I come crawling back to you. So I can't remember the last time I wrote in this thing, I think it was some time last week, maybe about this Will guy I have been thinking about for ever. I just wish he would come with me to the conservatory and hear what I can teach him. With this whole situation, I feel like I'm caught in the rain. I like what is happening, it's warm and happy, cleansing, different, but yet dreary in a way that I feel trapped, like I can't escape these feelings. I guess it's a good thing we are in a relationship now, even though I am unsure if it was a good idea. I know it's only been the first day and everything is still in the shock of the rebirthing stages, but i feel as though I have pressured this situation on him, and I don't want him to feel trapped in the middle, caught in the rain like I am. He is so bright, so real wih so much to give, why should I take him for my own when he could give to everyone else? Maybe I should be more giving to everyone else. Perhaps I am too bitter because of my past? I think I should give my heart out to people who need it. Maybe I should become religous? does this happen to everyone? Am I aging way beyond my years? Am I the one actually being reborn? William Russell. William David Russell. It feels right, like butterflies in my stomach right. Is he the one I'm supposed to find, the one I'm supposed to guide? Is he the one that shares my star? Is he my compass, my map, MY guide? Is he guiding my ship to the nearest shore at the end of my time here? You love him. You love him and are ashamed to say it because it is so soon. But you are telling the truth right here, this is your place, your security blanket, this place will never be found because it's yours. No one can harm you here, you know that. Only you. Take the chance, it's right here. Love him. Love him and never let him go. DO NOT let the same thing happen with the others then this one. This is your rebirth! Celebrate love, celebrate your life, you need this, you need him. Love him, Brittany. He will never hurt you, believe this. You are his safe place, hopefully. Love him, care for him, please don't lose this feeling! Don't lose the way you feel, do not show him that side of you that has ruined everything else! Do this for you, do this for him. Someday you will see how lucky you are, how lucky you have been to find someone so beautiful. Use him as a mirror and find your own beauty, he will compliment you. Bring each others colours out. Will finds the little things amazing. He is super gentle with you, and he is so kind. He loves to joke with you and try to make you smile. Think about his smile and what it does to your heart. Think about his hands and the way he plays soccer and how you look at each other like you both know something that no one else does. That is love. But what about the rest? What about the apples and onions? Your apples were that he wanted the relationship monogamous, that he comfortable with you physically and a slight bit emotionally, as much as he possibly can. He reveals some of his insecurities, he is a pure gentleman to you and everyone else, he is not loking for just sex, he would do without it as much as a male specimen could, and he shows a slight bit of PDA, like close wlaking, but then again he didn't last night, but he did two nights ago after the soccer game, and he kissed you in front of Lee Anne. Your onions list is that he thinks you are out of his league, He said that night don't expect miracles, he said don't expect miracles, he's never had a close relationship that lasted or didn't disappear, he didn't want super serious relationship, he puts our serious talks last on the list of things to do, but I think it can be very important sometimes to discuss what is happening between us so I don't live on this page forever. He told me earlier this week that he didn't want me staying on weeknights anymore because he wasn't getting enough sleep, but it didn't last. So I guess I am just terrible. I feel so gross and stupid and lost. Maybe we should stop doing sexual things for a while, until we get to know each other better. But he flirts so much with everyone else,but yet it could just be me, because he likes to help people out, he is a giver. I think I need to get a good book and just read my problems away. Or shop my problems away. Or get outside for ahwile. I need air, I need to breathe. I need a simple life, a simple plan with a simple ending. I need everything! I need something different! I'm not sure what I want in life yet. Should I? Am I really like, 40 years old stuck in this body working every thing out for the billionth time? Maybe he isn't the one, but I wish he was. I would be his wife, have his little children, if he would take mine under his wing too. I would do his laundry, his dishes, make his meals, care for him. I would do that now. I need love, I need affection, I need drugs, I'm serious, I need drugs, I can't believe I'm this crazy, myabe I should just leave, I just want out of the rain. His rain might be light and misty and warm sometimes, but can be earth shatteringly cold and hard as well. Maybe I should say Goodnight then. Should I let him go? But I am there, I'm wher eI want to be, but maybe it's not my place. But I love him. I would care for him until my last day on earth. I'm glad you're wearing your Claddaugh ring again. What a symbolic gesture of your life. Use this symbol to guide yourself through the rest of your relationship with him. It holds all of your mistakes and all of your relationship fears. This ring holds more power to you than to anyone else. This was your first loving gift from someone you cared about. It is special to you and you should wear it proudly. I don't know what to do right now, should I go see him or let him come to me? Should I mention that he seems upset or should I ignore it because it might be nothing? Maybe you should take a nap or something. Sweet dreams. Current Mood: < that is exactly how I feel Current Music: iPod Shuffle Mix (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 13th, 2006
3:15 pm	Nake-Nake So my cat has been officially missing for three full days. I called the SPCA so they can keep their eyes open for him. I miss him so much, and it hurts me to think someone has done something to him. I know he wouldn't stay outside alone for that long, so I have a feeling that someone has kept him inside their house as their own. Well, he's not anyone elses but ours. I can't believe someone would take someone elses house pet, and I know someone took him because he has always came back. I just sick about it... Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: Wish You Were Here- Pink Floyd (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 6th, 2006
1:08 am	Damn You Queen Yes, I know it is late, but I am up with my lovely boyfriend who is making me hot dogs. You know, he really isn't that bad. If it was always like this I wouldn't have a care in the world when I was at home. I know that he loves me, because it's always on the inside. I am lucky to have him, but not dependent on him. What more could I ask for? No surprises today though, but I guess people learn from example. Maybe if I plan something really fun for him, when he wants to do it, then maybe I'll get something back in return. I have always loved surprises but no one has ever given me one that I couldn't sense was coming anyway. I could love for him to take me on a picnic walk through the park, right up to the water treatment plant or somewhere up there. But I guess I should just wait, perhaps he has something better in store for me. He has to, or I won't survive. Do you love him? I think so. I think you care about him so much it hurts sometimes. You love the way he is and that is what you fell in love with, was his personality. But lately you have been over obsessive over the wat he looks. Stop picking at his flaws and let him grow out his beautiful hair. He deserves as much support as you can possibly give him. He loves you, stop pretending that you don't know that. Do you remember that time he made you close your eyes and just feel what life was about? Do you remember how you felt about him after wards? So this concludes my journal entry for the night. Keep him in your mind and super close to your heart. He deserves the best and so do you. Current Mood: Humble Current Music: Somebody To Love- Queen (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 4th, 2006
12:45 pm	He pisses me off so much sometimes. Like, he was so nice this morning when he took me to the court thing, and he ran me to the school and Vogue Optical and stuff. I gave him a huge kiss before he left, like one I meant so much to give to him so he would feel the connection called love, and then he doesn't come back over and he doesn't want me to come with him when he goes to get his car fixed. So we are on the phone just sitting there not fixing anything. It just seems like everytime Keira is home he makes plans. Like, why can't he include the both of us with his friends? Is he embarrassed of me? Maybe Scott was telling the truth about what Jenn said. As far as I know, Shawn had told Holly that he was going to break up with me. Maybe I'm better off without any guy. I'm sure that will change when I get to university. I might find the perfect guy and realize how stupid I have been these past years. I might find someone who actually likes me and likes me for all of my bad qualities as well as my good ones. Maybe a musician? Current Mood: Irritated Current Music: Somebody To Love (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
9:37 pm	What can I say? I'm bored and lonely, and everytime I'm boredhat can I say? I'm bored and lonely, and everytime I'm bored and lonely I always write here so it would make sense that I am adding yet another boring ehat can I say? I'm bored and lonely, and everytime I'm bored and lonely I always write here so it would make sense that I am adding yet another boring entry. Tonight I have that concert to play in, and I'm actually a little nervous hat can I say? I'm bored and lonely, and everytime I'm bored and lonely I always write here so it would make sense that I am adding yet another boring entry. Tonight I have that concert to play in, and I'm actually a little nervous becaus eI don't know what to expect. I really hope shawn comeshat can I say? I'm bored and lonely, and everytime I'm bored and lonely I always write here so it would make sense that I am adding yet another boring entry. Tonight I have that concert to play in, and I'm actually a little nervous becaus eI don't know what to expect. I really hope shawn comes to thehat can I say? I'm bored and lonely, and everytime I'm bored and lonely I always write here so it would make sense that I am adding yet another boring entry. Tonight I have that concert to play in, and I'm actually a little nervous becaus eI don't know what to expect. I really hope shawn comes to the concert tonight, for moral support! Current Mood: bored (Comment on this)